Sometimes Someone Elses Pain = Your Pleasure!!!!

Today is one of those days. I woke up this morning with another headache. Only to realize that I have figured out why they are coming on so strongly. STRESS. So that was when I realized it is time to fix these headaches once and for all and get rid of my unwanted stress.

Well I am sure I have stepped on a few people today to make myself happy. The main person is my daughters sperm donor. This man will never earn the title of father. Anyways for the first 9 years of her life he never paid child support, I never wanted it. But last November I decided that if he is going to keep producing children he should pay for the first one he had. He was pretty good at first, for 3 months at least, then I had to have them start deducting out of his pay check. Well I dont know what happened but he has not paid since October and I am tired of him getting away with it. So I made a few phone calls today and the result of them will make his life absolutley miserable and make mine so much happier. Do I feel guilty? HELL NO. Needless to say he will be getting his license revoked (if he has one) and will not be able to obtain a license of any kind in the U.S until his payments are up to date. While the DOR was helping me with this issue they also put a note in the system that will intercept his taxes. This makes me very happy. We are going to florida in April, hopefully I get the money owed to me and we can send him a postcard saying thank you for the trip. I am going with or without his money for her 10th birthday but that would help alot. And I gave them info on his other job that he apparently did not tell them about, so they will be checking into that in the next few days. Now I normally am not one to try to crush someone like he will be crushed when he realizes what is going on right under his nose. But in this case it thrills me. If he were are parent that was at least trying to be there for her, and I am not even talking financially, I would let it go. But since he is just an ass that pays no mind to his kid, I am loving it. How I would love to be a fly on the wall when he gets his refund saying it was sent to me.LOL.

So I have figured out all my stress comes from the men in my life. Lets start with Jeff. He has spent alot of time here the past 3 weeks and last night it just got annoying. Maybe I shouldnt have gotten annoyed with the situation but it is so confusing and I just didnt have the energy to deal with it. He bought me butts and made me dinner, things he has never done in the past. This is why I was so annoyed. Why is he so nice to me now when we are not together, he wasnt nice to me when we were. It makes no sense. I think me being annoyed stemed from something that had nothing to do with him.

Yesterday made 8 days that I had not heard from Cheerdad. A man that lite up my life every time we spoke, never mind when I spent time with him. Low and behold I got an email from him right before Jeff came over. This email left me more confused than ever. I think I may have took it the wrong way, but it seemed as though he was blaming me for the stress in his life. He had no time because he was always with me, umm hello mcfly maybe you should have just come out and said that before and then when you backed away I would have been prepared. He wants to continue our friendship and is sorry he acted the way he did. I did not have much time to process the email and wrote him back telling him that I still want our friendship too but if I am the reason for his stress than to just leave us the way it is right now. I have yet to hear back from him and dont know if I ever will. I also told him that maybe his stress is because he holds everything back and it all builds up. But that is his issue not mine. So we will see what happens now. Who knows, the only thing I do know is that I am not willing to let someone make me feel like shit again, be it a friend or otherwise. So that is what he needs to realize, we can continue this friendship as long as he understands that I am not going to sit back and let him walk all over me.

Oh yes on another man note, I think Jimp is coming home this weekend......Whoo hoo. You know I will be hanging out with him watching the football game.

I have done it again......

In the past week I have really had nothing good to say, my emotions are running a muck and I am better off sitting alone and thinking about things. My friendship with Cheerdad is officially over at this point, Probably my fault but there is nothing I will do to fix it. He has become very distant and strange over the past few months. Last weekend he told me he was coming over here and then never showed up. This infact was the thing that set me off. I wrote him an email explaining how he has made me feel over the past few months and how he was the one who said he really wanted our friendship to last, but yet he has done nothing to prove this to me. So in the email I told him that our friendship was out of my control now, the choice was his. He could put more effort into our friendship or write me out of his life. I have not heard back from him so I am going to assume he chose to not have a friendship anymore. This makes me very sad, he was great to us at one point and I really wanted it to go further, but I guess if he thinks that little about our friendship it is best to find this out now instead of later. That doesnt make this any easier for me. I really started to care for him and then decided it was time to let him go. I just never thought that would be the choice he would make. Fuck it, I am use to this kind of thing.

So then there is the EX who has been around quite abit lately. Since Christmas night we have talked everyday and he has come here at least 7 of the 14 days we have been talking. At first it was emotional to see him standing in my kitchen, I had told him from day one that there is no chance for a relationship, this is what it is and that is that. I have had mixed messages from my friends and family that know what is going on. Most of them saying be careful, others telling me to see where it is going because maybe he truley has changed. And then there is me, who thinks that yes maybe he has changed for the moment but in no time flat he will turn on me yet again, and I am not willing to go down that road again. I just got my life back together since everything happenend. We have had very few conversations about what happened and why he left, and to be honest I dont want to rehash all those bad feelings. He has broken down more infront of me than I have about the past situation. I do think he is truley sorry for what he did to us but that doesnt change the fact that he did those things. It may bother him that I am such a strong minded person and not easily persuaded to trust him again. I cannot sit here and say that the feelings are not going to come back or that they havent aready started to, but I can say the feelings of hurt and betrayl are just as strong as they were a year ago and that these feelings right now weigh more on my mind than the ones showing that I care for him. I honestly do not see me ever forgiving him. But there is always that possiblity. And to all my friends and family that care so much for me, what ever I chose to do, they need to realize it is my choice and they need to trust my judgement. As far as right now, there is nothing any of them have to worry about.